Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
