Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
