I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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