It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
