He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
