Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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