just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
