I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
