I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
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I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
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Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I need water and some morals
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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