How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
