so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
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so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
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And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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