Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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