I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
