Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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