Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
