What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
