i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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