I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You pole danced in your parka.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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