PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
