is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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