dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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