I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
How's work?
Spinning.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
