just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
