Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
