I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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