Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
