look no pants
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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