The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
