I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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