well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
