You're so nebulous sometimes
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
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When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
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My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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