If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
