Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
