I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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