Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
