That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
