So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
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his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
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JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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