tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
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Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
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He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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