I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
