Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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