So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
