My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
