i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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