Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
