she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
