At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
