i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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