so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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