I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
