So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
handjob tips. give me some.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
