im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
