What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
