So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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