Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
