I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
