1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
