you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
