He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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