i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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