dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize