You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
